Two funny words phrases

Words or phrases

I’m simply not strong enough for funny these days unless it is holistic and destructive, kinda like all the children or knock knock jokes. Nobody want’s to be reminded about the perils of life. I could pick out phrases like Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality or I am not an early bird nor a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon. At this moment both are very much me but they are not funny. Tragicomic maybe, but not funny at all. Instead of picking out a few words or phrases; Here is a handful of joy.

Funny words or phrases

You can’t be late until you show up.
Life could be worse. Sex could be fattening.
Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
Overpopulation… too much of a good thing.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
When you fall, I will be there to catch you – Sincerely with love, The Floor.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
Was today really necessary?
If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
The gene pool could use cleaning.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
I’m objective; I object to everything.
You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. For example, toilet paper.
Heaven won’t take me and hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayers.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Some hear voices, some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have their way.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


Never judge a book by it’s movie.